Attack of the Saucer Morons (Transcript)

Attack of the Saucer Morons

It is night. A police car drives down a deserted road. The road is on a higher ground than the city, as can be seen with the buildings around the road. The police radio speaks gibberish. The policeman picks up the attachment to the radio that he speaks through and speaks gibberish back. He grunts as he sees two bright lights ahead in the road. He changes lanes, but so do the lights. He changes lanes again, but again the lights mirror his maneuver. The policeman puts an arm over his face as he is about to collide with the lights, but right before they would crash, Zim's Voot Runner lifts over the police car, revealing that it was the source of the lights. The policeman looks back at the Voot Runner and swerves off the road as the policeman screams. The car crashes into a Deelishus Weenie place made to look like a giant hot dog. The cop's airbag goes off as the car hits the top of the giant hot dog. Hot dogs splatter against the cop's windshield. The Voot Runner circles around for a better view. Zim reports his findings into a small recorder that he holds up to his mouth.

Zim: Human law enforcement machine. Markings: lighty-flashy things on top. Defensive capability...

An explosion is heard. Hot dogs hit Zim's windshield and then slide off.

Zim: ...minimal. Explodes on impact with giant meat. Evaluation: PATHETIC! Pathetic Earth vehicle!

Zim laughs maniacally. A light on the Voot Runner control panel flashes. Zim stops mid-laugh.

Zim: Warning? How could that be? Nothing threatens an Irken Voot Runner!

Ahead of Zim, a bee flies through the city towards the Voot Runner.

Zim: Computer, run a diagnostic. You've gone crazy!

Zim screams as he sees the bee headed straight for him. It hits the windshield and the Voot Runner veers out of control, flaming. Zim screams as the Voot Runner spins around. He flaming Voot Runner flies through the city. Zim looks out the windshield and sees the bee, pushed up against it. Zim presses a button on the control panel.

Zim: Eject! EJECT!

The Voot Runner flies past the city into a park. The Voot Runner crashes in the park and comes to a stop after skidding along the ground.

Computer: Eject command initiated.

The windshield opens and Zim is shot out. He skids along the ground, with the bee stuck on his forehead. The bee pops off and hovers around Zim's head. Zim opens one eye and watches as the bee flies away. Zim gets up and spits dirt out of his mouth. He groans and his legs creak as he gets up.

Zim: Ruined. Ruined! Irken engineering reduced to.. this!

Zim looks at the flaming wreckage of the Voot Runner.

Zim: Surely that was no human bee! Once I take care of the humans I will begin my war against...

The scene cuts three times, showing Zim with a furious expression in front of a large fire.

Zim: ...THE BEES.

Zim's communicator extends from his PAK.

Zim: GIR, respond. I need you to send out a tow vehicle to pick up the Voot Runner.

Zim hears nothing but static through the communicator.

Zim: GIR? Hello? GIR, where are you?

Cut to a dance club, where GIR, in his disguise, is dancing with a large group of girls (Including Ami). Cut back to Zim.

Zim: Must be some interference.

Zim's communicator goes back into his PAK.

Zim: Oh well. This place is fairly deserted, well hidden. I should be able to return with the tow vehicle, pick the cruiser up and go. And when the repairs are done...

The background fades to red.

Zim: I shall HUNT DOWN THAT EVIL DEATH BEE!!!

As Zim walks away, a creepy man named Desmond Flapp watches from the top of a ladder. Above him a banner hangs from in between two trees that reads 'UFO convention next week.'

Desmond Flapp: An aaalienn!

He uses a can of spray paint to write the word 'today' over 'next week.' In Zim's neighborhood, Zim criss-crosses across the street, hiding behind objects as he goes as he is not in his disguise. He leaps into his front lawn and hides behind the fence. Then he hides behind a lawn gnome. He makes it inside and walks into the center of the living room.

Zim: Computer, bring me the Voot carrier.

Out of the ceiling, a hovering disk floats down. A bubble-like covering closes over the top of it.

Zim: Hmmm. Computer, disguise the carrier. Something less conspicuous.

Computer: Processing, PROCESSING!

The Voot carrier turns into a bright light. After a brief flash, the Voot carrier becomes a large floating pig.

Zim: *gleeful expression* Why am I so amazing?

It is now morning.

Zim walks along the park sidewalk in the disguise he wore in "Walk of Doom". He holds the pig by a remote control thing that is attached to the pig by a thin wire like a balloon. Perfectly inconspicuous. As he walks, Zim whistles a casual tune.

Zim: This should be a standard recovery operation, pig. We move in, we load the Voot Runner into you and we're out of there. The humans will be none the wiser.

Zim's eyes widen as he walks over a hill and sees that the Voot Runner is on a pedestal surrounded by a crowd of people.

Zim: MY SHIP! In the hands of the enemy! How? How? Who KNOWS what defenses they could devise through reverse-engineering!

Zim moves the pig between some trees and ties it there.

Zim: Stay here, pig. I'll call you in as soon as I can get close enough to the Voot Runner.

Zim runs down to where the crowd is. He pushes his way through.

Zim: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS? Who are you people? What is that... thing... on your head?

Zim points to a man who has a model UFO as a hat. He pushes the man out of the way and runs up to where the Voot Runner is. Right before he reaches it, a large woman named Trudy jumps in his way.

Trudy: Hold it! We are the Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer! We have claimed this downed alien love ship, and want to share it with all humanity! But humanity must prove itself worthy!

Zim: LOVE ship? But that's my... my...

A pig snort is heard. Trudy folds her arms.

Trudy: Your what?

Zim: Uh...my... dream. To become worthy enough to get close to the... "love ship."

Trudy: Wonderful! Our leader is conducting an initiation right now! Starchunk!

Zim: Initiation? FOOLS! There is none so worthy as ZIM! You've no idea what POWERS you are dealing with! NO IDEA AT-

A large hand grabs Zim by the head. Zim gasps as Starchunk lifts him into the air. Cut to the outside of a tent where the initiation can be heard, but not seen. The tent is in a different spot than the convention, and it sounds like the leader is the same guy who saw Zim in the park.

Leader: Now, the final initiation.

Zim: Owie!

Strange noises are heard, thumping and pig-like squeals. Zim screams throughout. When it is finished, Zim stumbles out of the tent, wearing one of the saucer hats. He is very disoriented. Zim staggers down the hill back towards where the crowd of people are.

Zim: Okay, finally.

Zim looks down at where the convention is and sees the Voot Carrier on a pedestal behind the large woman.

Zim: My recovery vehicle!

Trudy: We've just found a number of alien artifacts near the sight. Truly this is a sign!

She motions over to some other pedestals that hold a blender, a boot, and the spooky Chihuahua. The crowd of people make impressed noises. Zim sees the spooky Chihuahua and screams.

Desmond Flapp: It appears to be some form of symbolic greeting! The pig form perhaps represents mankind's...pig-like affinity, for... exploration.

Zim glares at Desmond Flapp. Trudy presses a button on the remote control to the Voot Carrier pig. The pig opens its mouth and bites down on a man standing right in front of it, then hovers in the air, with the man hanging from its mouth.

Man: (muffled because his head is inside the pig) The pig accepts me!

Zim: Fools! You have no possible idea what power you toy with!

Zim jumps up and holds onto Trudy's arms like a cat, trying to get the remote control to the pig from her.

Zim: RELEASE THE PIG!

Trudy: The pig...

She swings her arms, which makes the pig swing with her. The crowd moves out of the way. The man hanging from the pig's mouth screams.

Trudy: ...belongs...

The pig hits the railing and knocks it to the ground.

Trudy: ...to all mankind!

The pig spins around and hits the man hanging from the pig against the ground.

Zim: This is no man-pig!

Zim flips the woman onto her back.

Trudy: Hey!

Zim jumps on her stomach, but his hat, beard and one of his contacts falls off. The crowd gasps. Zim's other contact is hanging by a thread.

Zim: What? What?

His other contact falls away as he twist his head back and forth.

Desmond Flapp: The alien! The one I told you I saw!

Zim: Hmmm? Where?

Zim feels for his fake beard, then rubs the top of his head and feels his antennae. He gags as he realizes his disguise fell off.

Zim: Don't come any closer! Don't try anything on me or I'll... I'll... I'll lay eggs in your stomach! I mean it! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Zim jumps off of Trudy's stomach and she starts to get up. The crowd approaches Zim like a bunch of zombies. Zim has quick flashes of what they will do to him. The first one shows him in a tube with two scientists studying him. The second one shows him strapped to a table being operated on with a fork and scalpel. The third one shows a scientist pulling out his guts. Zim looks up and sees that the Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer have formed a circle around Zim and are bowing to him, chanting the word "alien" over and over. The pig hovers above the crowd with the man still hanging from its mouth.

Desmond Flapp: We are your loving servants, oh wise one!

Zim gasps.

Zim: Stand away, you smell like feet! Leave me alone!

A pimply girl stands up.

Yoa: Fill us with wisdom from another beyond!

Crowd: Yes, fill us!

Zim screams as the crowd closes in on Zim and grabs him. They throw him into the air and catch him, then hold him above their heads and carry him. Zim's communicator extends from his PAK.

Zim: GIR! GIR! ARE YOU THERE GIR? HELP ME!

Cut to Zim's neighborhood. A red car pulls up to Zim's house. The door pops up and GIR (in disguise) hops out, holding a 'SuckMunkey' slushie. Girls (including Ami) stick their heads out of the car and wave, giggling. GIR puts down the SuckMunkey and waves. The car drives away. GIR's antennae pops out from the top of his costume and the dog head folds back, revealing his robot head. The antennae becomes a satellite and it projects a transmission into the air from Zim.

GIR: HI!

Zim: GIR, finally! I need your help! I've been captured!

GIR: Yaaaay!

Zim: No, that's bad, GIR.

GIR: Yaaaay!

Zim: I need you to listen very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very carefully.

GIR sips his SuckMunkey.

GIR: What?

Cut to a large tent where the entire crowd of the Children of the Bright and Shining Saucer stand before Zim. They have put Zim in a chair. They all watch silently. Zim lifts a hand up. The crowd gasps. Zim scratches his back.

Crowd: Ooooooh!

Desmond Flapp: You are the one we've been waiting for! The one foretold in the prophesies, told by... Frank!

Frank Conniff: Yup, told ya he'd come.

A strange-looking man pops out of the crowd holding his foot in the air.

Boll: Bless the corns on my toes!

The crowd lifts their arms in the air and approaches Zim, all of them talking at once. Suddenly, the door to the tent opens and an awkward-looking government man in a suit walks in, obviously mechanical.

Government man: Excuse me, there has been a mistake!

Zim: (lowering his voice) Finally. Come on, GIR!

Desmond Flapp: Who are you!?!

Government man: I am government man, come from the government, the government has sent me.

A view inside government man's head shows GIR (out of disguise) sitting among circuitry and pulling levers. Government man walks over to Zim.

Government man: Ho ho ho! This is not an alien life form! He is an experimental government aircraft!

Zim cringes.

Desmond Flapp: That's an aircraft?

Zim: Fools! What else would I be?

Trudy: What about the floating pig out there?

Government man: That's a government pig!

Government man grabs Zim and holds him under his arms.

Government man: Well, I have to take everything back to the home base now. Buh-bye.

Desmond Flapp: Wait!

Zim and government man make it out of the tent. Zim takes the lead and walks towards the pig.

Zim: Come on, GIR, come on!

Desmond Flapp, Boll, and Trudy come out of the tent behind them.

Desmond Flapp: Excuse me! How do we know he's REALLY a government aircraft? And how do we know you're REALLY with the government?

Zim grabs the remote control to the pig. He presses a button and the pig turns back into the floating disk it originally was. The disk slides under the Voot Runner and becomes a pig again, with the Voot Runner inside of it. The pig hovers over to Zim and Zim climbs on top of it. He grabs two handlebars that have appeared from an opening in the pig's back.

Boll: He still has to bless my toes!

Desmond Flapp: And why should we let you take our discovery?

Government man grabs the leader's face and moves his hands around it.

Government man (with GIR's voice): I like you.

Zim moves the handle bars on the pig and it moves into Government man's back, pushing him forward. His face opens up and GIR falls out.

Trudy: It's a government android!

Desmond Flapp: He's stealing our alien!

Zim: GIR, quickly, ride the pig!

GIR does a flip and lands on the pig and then latches onto the back of Zim's head. As the pig's engine goes, it makes oinking noises. The pig flies off into the forest, almost hitting a saucer moron. The Children of the Bright and Shinning Saucer chase after it, but to no avail. Deeper in the forest, two squirrels chase after each other. They jump out of the way as the pig flies over them. GIR squeels happily. They fly towards a tree and Zim laughs as they narrowly avoid it, making a sharp left. Zim stops laughing as he sees he is headed straight for a fence surrounding a playground. GIR continues laughing. They burst through the fence and swerve around a swing set. The pig hits a slide that Smolga was just about to slide down, ripping off the bottom of the slide. GIR is still laughing. Zim aims the pig directly for a baby who is just standing there and sucking his thumb in a sand box. They almost hit the baby, but Steve Ressel grabs the baby just in time. Steve holds the baby and cries. The pig leaves the playground and skims over a lake. The pig turns over in the water and Zim gets seaweed on his face. He pulls the seaweed off. Zim looks at his reflection as the pig flies over the water. Suddenly, the reflection of one of the saucer morons, Yoa, pops into view.

Yoa: Take me with you! Take me with you!

Zim screams and slaps her right in the face, knocking her off the pig.

Yoa: Come back!

She screams and flips into the lake.

Zim: Faster my pig! Faster!

GIR: Weeeee hoooo!

The pig zooms on and lifts up into a road located on a bridge that goes over the water. The pig swerves to miss cars. Zim heads straight for a skool bus. Zim screams, but the bus swerves out of the way at the last second. The students in the bus scream as the pig passes by. Another car swerves to miss the pig. The pig makes some more vehicles skid out of the way before it goes air born and flies above the city.

Zim: Finally! We are safe, GIR! We're back on track!

The bee that made the Voot Runner crash flies straight for the pig.

Zim: Everything is smooth and-

The bee collides with the pig's eye. The eye bursts from its socket and the pig goes into flames. They scream as the pig goes on a collision course into the city. GIR grabs Zim by his antennae and screams in his face. GIR pulls on Zim's eyelids. The pig crashes into the roof of a convention building. The pig lands right on the stage in front of a packed crowd of witnesses sitting in the audience. Zim gets up, weakly. The pig squeals and smokes.

Audience: Ooooh!

Zim: What?

GIR makes some kind of squeak noise. A banner behind Zim reads 'Alien life: fact or fiction?'