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This is the transcript. To see the article see: Invader Poonchy.

INVADER ZIM

1. 128A

"Invader Poonchy"

by Brent Crowe & Rob Hummel

FADE IN:

INT. ZIM'S HOUSE - FRONT LAWN.

Zim is in his front yard working on a mechanical monstrosity that looks very much like a huge cannon. The neighbours gawk at his bizzare contraption.

Zim (Shouting into the house): Hurry up, GIR. I need those hydro-spanners so that I can prepare the new... (notices the gawking neighbours) ...bird feeder.

A camera flashes. Zim whirls to find Dib standing in the middle of the sidewalk with his camera.

Zim (CONT'D): DIB! I see through your disguise!

Dib: I'm not in disguise. And if this...thing is supposed to be secret, you're doing a real bad job keeping it that way.

Zim: SILENCE!

Zim chases after Dib. Dib throws his camera away.

INT. ZIM'S LIVING ROOM - MINUTES LATER.

Zim storms in carrying Dib's broken camera. GIR, in his dog suit, sits motionless against the couch.

Zim: That little spying weasel. Doesn't he have anything better to do than try to save his planet from me? (GIR hasn't moved) You know, GIR, you're supposed to be guarding the base against him!

Zim pokes GIR to finish his point, but GIR just wobbles there. After a second, GIR's suit collapses, revealing it to be filled with ground beef.

Zim (CONT'D): AAAGH!! GIR!? GIIIR!! They've turned you into ground beef! HOWW!? WHYY?!

The real GIR pops his head up from behind the couch.

GIR: Fooooled you! Now there's two GIR's! That's BEEF GIR! LET'S EAT'IM!

Zim (Thinking): Why would you... WAITAMINUTE! A decoy. Your insane idea has given me a brilliant one. If Dib thinks there is another Irken on Earth, he won't have as much time to interfere in the creation of my SUPER WEAPON. But WHO will be my decoy?

GIR: I WISH I KNEW!

A screen appears inside Zim's base. Gretchen's face appears on it.

Zim: No. Too normal looking. (the shot switches to Zootch) Hmmm... I DO like his hair... (now it's Morla, Zim just RETCHES. It changes to Poonchy: Drinker of Hate.) Poonchy... Yesss....

INT. SKOOL HALLWAY - OUTSIDE CLASS.

The SKOOL BELL rings. The door to Ms. Bitters' class opens and students exit the room. Zim stealthily zips outside and presses himself against a wall. When Poonchy walks out, Zim lurches forward and BUMPS into him, dropping a notebook as he does so. On the cover of the notebook is an Irken insignia and the word "Poonchy". Dib walks out of the class and steps over the notebook. Zim picks it up.

Zim (clearly acting): Oh, Invader P— uhhh... I mean, just regular skool child Poonchy, you have dropped your notebook.

Dib looks back, irritated. Poonchy ignores Zim and simply walks away. Zim flips through the book, exposing various Irken text and schematics. He suddenly turns towards Dib.

Zim (CONT'D): Poonchy? An alien? Dib, that's crazy!

Dib: What are you talking about, Zim?

Zim: How dare you accuse that innocent non-alien child of being an Irken spy?

Dib: I'm not in the mood for jokes, Zim.

Zim: Heh?

Dib turns and walks away. Zim looks frustrated.

INT. SKOOL CAFETERIA.

The cafeteria bustles with children eating lunch. Dib sits by himself eating his bag lunch. Across the cafeteria sits Poonchy with several of his friends. Zim stands near the door, surveying the situation. Zim walks behind Poonchy and slaps an Irken Pak on him. The backpack fastens itself into Poonchy's spine, as he writhes and struggles. He sits back up, dazed.

Zim: Hello there, my Poonchy friend.

Zim sits next to Poonchy. All of Poonchy's friends see him sitting next to Zim and they walk away in social horror.

Friends (Wallah V.O.): Ew, I didn't know Poonchy and Zim were friends. They even wear the same backpack! Let's go guuuuys.

Dib looks up at the commotion and runs over to investigate.

Dib (Speaking to Zim): What're you doing to Poonchy, Zim?

Zim: What do you mean? What's wrong with his alien-style backpack?

Dib: I didn't say anything about backpacks...

Poonchy rubs his back and kind of stumbles away.

Poonchy: ...My back hurts...

Dib turns to follow Poonchy, but Zim grabs him.

Zim: All right, Dib, you win. I, Zim, am merely a decoy, sent here to distract you from the real INVADER... INVADER POONCHY! (he turns to the wall and starts pounding on it) Oh, I've failed you MASTER POONCHY!!

Dib: Okay, NOW you're just being weird Zim.

Dib walks away. Zim hasn't noticed yet. He's still pounding.

Zim: Curse you Dib, you're too clever...

He looks up to see Dib's reaction and realizes instead that the whole cafeteria stares at him. Zim looks irritated.

Zim (Plotting to himself): Fine, Dib. Looks like it's time for more drastic measures...

EXT. POONCHY'S HOUSE - NIGHT.

As Poonchy walks up the walkway of his house, the dark figure of Zim lurks around the corner. Poonchy rubs his new backpack and moans as he shuts the door behind him. Zzim listens from behind the door.

Poonchy (O.S,): Mom, skool was CRAZY. I'm gonna go to my room and wind down with some video games, ya know? Yahhh, YOU knowww. Yeah!

Zim smiles and sneaks away.

INT. POONCHY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS.

Poonchy walks into his room, which is no longer his room. He's surrounded by Irken technology. There is a giant screen with what looks like video game controllers in front of it.

Poonchy: Coooool.

INT. MEMBRANE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT.

Dib sits on the sofa, watching TV. The intro for Mysterious Mysteries is playing. Suddenly, the screen goes fuzzy and a shadowy form appears. It's Zim in a bizzare disguise, his idea of spooky.

DIB: What the- ?

Shadowy Form (Zim): Agent Dib. I am Agent...eh...Loonypants from the Swollen Meatball Network.

Dib: Swollen Meatball Network? I've never heard of any Meatball—

Shadowy Form: SILENCE!!! We need you to investigate some alien signals in your neighborhood.

Dib: Okayyy...

EXT. POONCHY'S HOUSE - LATER

Dib scales the side of Poonchy's house, talking to himself.

Dib: I dunno about this "Swollen Meatball". If tonight's Mysterious Mysteries wasn't a rerun, I wouldn't even be here.

He peeks his head up to look into Poonchy's room. He is shocked to see Poonchy sitting amid all the Irken Techology. From his POV, Dib can't see what's on the video game screen.

INT. POONCHY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Now we see the video game screen in the foreground, with Dib peeking in the background. The screen is swarming with "alien enemies". From his vantage point, Dib can only see the back of the screen and Poonchy playing his game.

Poonchy (Playing): I'll destroy them all!!!!

Dib's eyes go wide and he drops out of frame. THUD.

EXT. POONCHY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Dib stares up at Poonchy's room.

Dib: Poonchy really is an alien! And he wants to destroy us all!

INT. VOOT CRUISER - CONTINUOUS

High above, Zim hovers in his Voot Cruiser, watching. He can see Dib backing away from Poonchy's house. GIR sits next to him. Zim chuckles to himself.

Zim: HAH! I spared no detail to make Poonchy look like a real Irken. Now I can work on my SUPER WEAPON in peace.

EXT. POONCHY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Poonchy spots a read button on his console.

Poonchy: What's this button do?

EXT. POONCHY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The top of Poonchy's house opens up, revealing the weapon that Zim was working on in the opening scene. Dib backs away in awe.

Dib: I've got to find help.

EXT. VOOT CRUISER - CONTINUOUS

Zim is shocked as the weapon folds out.

Zim: Wow, that really IS detailed. That looks just like my SUPER WEAPON... hey wait. That IS MY SUPER WEAPON! GIR! GIRRR!! Huh?! Huh?! (GIR says nothing. Zim pokes his head. Beef oozes out.) BEEEEEEEEF!

INT. POONCHY'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The game screen changes. Zim's Voot Cruiser fills the frame and a target reticle closes in on it.

Poonchy: I hope this game gets better...

EXT. VOOT CRUISER - CONTINUOUS

The laser cannon fires a bust of energy at the Voot. Zim shrieks and forces the Cruiser to dodge the beams. The sudden movement jars beef GIR out of his seat. Beef GIR flops around inside the cabin as Zim tries to control his ship.

INT. TV STUDIO - LATER

A Newscaster sits at a news desk.

Newscaster: This just in. An evil alien has taken over a local home and is firing lasers all crazy like. Authorities have the location surrounded. Reporter Ted Slunchy has the story...

EXT. POONCHY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Ted Slunchy stands in front of Poonchy's house, holding a microphone. Dib stands next to him. Bedlam stands behind them as the laser shoots at the surrounding police cars and military vehicles.

Ted Slunchy: I'm here with Dib, the boy who reported the alien to the authorities. Dib, isn't it true that you have a history of making this kind of thing up?

Dib (Perplexed): No.

Ted Slunchy: Very interesting. I'm also here with Doctor Spanky, laser specialist. Doctor, what do you have to say?

Doctor Spanky: What we have here is a high impact—

Suddenly, from behind them, someone shouts.

Random Voice (O.S.): It's going into super deluxe attack mode! It could destroy the world!!!

A light on top of the weapon switches from green to red. Ted pushes aside the expert. Pandemonium ensures.

Ted Slunchy: You heard it here first folks. This impressive alien threat has "Super deluxe attack mode" technology! Possible worldwide destruction. RUUUUUN!

The reporter runs away as everything dissolves into chaos.

INT. VOOT CRUISER - CONTINUOUS

The Cruiser hovers high above the madness. The inside of the ship is coated with meat. Zim has the newscast on a monitor.

Zim: Poonchy? Impressive?! But that's MY weapon! I MUST save the earth from POONCHY! Only then can I... destroy the EARTH! Computer, activate self-destruct for Poonchy's fake base!

Zim's Computer (O.S.): Base destruction sequence activated.

EXT. POONCHY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The cannon splits open and sparks start to shoot out of it. The crowd gasps. Dib yells at a general, who stands in front of a group of military mechs and tanks.

Dib: You're gonna have to destroy that house! You can't let the super weapon go off!!

General: The boy is right!

The noise level outside is intense as things explode, people scream, and cars crash.

CUT TO:

EXT. POONCHY'S HOUSE, THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

For some reason, it's really quiet. Poonchy's Mom sits at the kitchen table. She nods off. Through the window, we can see all kinds of crazy stuff going on. Behind her, the microwave hums. After a second, the microwave dings. She snaps awake.

Poonchy's Mom (Screaming): POONCHY! DINNER'S READY!

INT. POONCHY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Poonchy excitedly plays his game. In the corner of his screen, we can see the self-destruction countdown.

Poonchy: Not now mom, I almost got the super weapon all charged up. Something cool's gonna happen just as soon as I—

Suddenly, his mom appears in the doorway.

Poonchy's Mom (Insanely Cheery): I made fishsticks! Yum, yum yum yum yum.

Poonchy (Insanely Happy): YAAHHH!! FISHSTICKS!! Oooooooh!

Poonchy unplugs the game and runs out of the room with his mom. The two of them happy about fishsticks.

INT. VOOT CRUISER - CONTINUOUS

The destruction countdown stops on Zim's monitor.

Zim: It's shut down! Now I won't have to blow up the base! Oh well, Woulda been neat.

EXT. POONCHY'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The cannon powers down and stops firing.

Dib: Look! I think he's surrendering!

General: You might be right. Let's send in the ground troops just to be safe!

Troops bust into the house. We hear Poonchy's mom screaming.

Groundtroops (O.S.): Heyyy FISHSTICKS!!

EXT. POONCHY'S HOUSE - LATER

Ted Slunchy once again stands with his microphone.

Ted Slunchy: ...And in the end, it was really just a video game belonging to a normal boy... (A picture of Poonchy fills the screen.) Who was falsely accused of being an alien by this boy... (horrible picture of Dib) ...who was hauled away from the scene after accusing this woman... (picture of Poonchy's mom) of being an alien robot. (Shot of Dib being pulled away from Poonchy's mom) Even more mysterious was the green boy yelling at a dog stuffed with beef. (picture of Zim screaming at GIR) They don't get any weirder than that!

GIR, out of his costume and giggling, floats by Ted carrying a load of ground beef. Ted watches GIR fly off-screen, and is immediately hit in the face with a wad of meat. The image cuts to static, as though a TV is being turned off.

CUT TO:

INT. ZIM'S LIVING ROOM - LATER

Zim sits on the couch in front of his TV with the remote control in his hand. The room is covered with beef.

Zim: Well, with Dib in jail, he can't bug me for a while, so...I guess I win. (beat) SUCCESS!!!

Zim shoves his fists in the air victoriously. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC swells until Zim is slammed hard off-screen by a monstrous blast of beef. GIR giggles.

END.

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