For episode page see Simon Says Doom.
This is the script for "Simon Says Doom" as of November 27, 2001.
"Simon Says Doom" by Courtney Lilly
Ms. Bitters lectures to a bored classroom.
Ms. Bitters: And fire consumed the whole of the town—all because of another careless cow.
Mr. Elliot pokes his head into the class. Bitters fumes at him.
Mr. Elliot: Hi, Ms. Bitters. Sorry to interrupt, but I'm here to talk to the kids.
Ms. Bitters: Make it quick! You have one minute.
Ms. Bitters whips out a menacing electronic timer. It starts ticking down from sixty seconds.
Mr. Elliot: Great! Hi kids, I'm Mr. Elliot and I'm here to talk to you about the "Bee A Good Neighbor" program. It's for taking care of orphans, and we could really use some volunteers! Whaddaya say? Huh? (there's no response) You get to wear bee suits. Get it? "Bee a good neighbor". (still nothing)
Mr. Elliot (CONT'D): I'm not leaving 'til I get a volunteer.
The clock ticks down to twenty seconds.
The Letter M: RUN, Mr. Elliot! RUUUN!!
Mr. Elliot: C'mon kids, it's fun. Right ZIM?
PAN to Zim sitting at his desk in a ridiculous bee suit. Dib starts to pay attention.
Dib: Wait, how would Zim know?
Mr. Elliot: Well, he's already part of the program. Joined up weeks ago! Isn't that right?
Zim shrugs with humility.
Zim: I just love the smiles on their disgusting, drool-covered faces. Oh, those adorable little dolphins.
Dib (Suspicious): Orphans!!!
The clock is dangerously close to zero. A shadow starts to form around Mr. Elliot, as though something large is above him.
Dib (CONT'D): Mr. Elliot, I'll volunteer. SOMEONE's gotta watch Zim.
Mr. Elliot: Great! Thanks a lot kids.
Mr. Elliot, seemingly oblivious to the threat, leaves just before the clock strikes zero. The class lets out a SIGH OF RELIEF. Someone throws wadded-up paper at Dib.
Mr. Elliot guides a bee-suited Dib through a decrepit orphanage.
Mr. Elliot: Thanks for volunteering Dib. It's good to see kids taking time to help others.
Dib (Not really listening): That's what I always say. Where's Zim?
Mr. Elliot: Wanna find your little friend, huh? Well, he's over here.
INT. ORPHANAGE GAME ROOM—CONTINUOUS
Mr. Elliot takes Dib to Zim's room. Zim, in a bee suit, teems with snot-nosed four-year olds. Zim, initially not noticing Dib and Mr. Elliot, screams in disgust.
Mr. Elliot: Oh, look how the kids just love him!
Dib (Quietly, to Zim): You're not going to get away with whatever you're up to Zim.
Zim: Foolish, paranoid Dib. I am here for the children. The joy of this writhing mass of giggling poop meat is all ZIM is after.
Mr. Elliot: Well put Zim. Keep up the good work. (to Dib) C'mon Dibbers. Let's go.
Dib: But, Zim...
Mr. Elliot: You kids can play later.
Mr. Elliot ushers Dib from Zim's room. Dib protests.
Dib: I'll be watching you ZIM!
Zim: Watch all you want Dib, but...
A kid comes up and tags Zim.
Kid: You're it.
Zim (Horrifed): Aaagh! MUCUS! I mean... good one.
Mr. Elliot and Dib leave the room. Once alone, Zim begins to drop his child-loving facade.
Zim (CONT'D): All is going exactly as I planned...
Zim lets loose a long, evil laugh. His laugh is muffled by children crawling onto his face. He begins to cough.
Zim (CONT'D): Ack! Get off of me! (the kids don't respond) Heed me! I am your game leader! Off! (suffering under the weight) Why do you not listen to ZIM?
Kid: You didn't say "Simon Says".
Zim: Who is this Simon and how does he wield such power? Explain to ZIM!
Kid: Okay, watch. Simon says, get off of ZIM.
The kids climb off Zim. Zim's astonished. He smiles evilly.
Zim: Perhaps I have an even better plan...
INT. ORPHANAGE BASEMENT—CONTINUOUS
Mr. Elliot walks Dib into the basement.
Mr. Elliot: That bee suit's been enhanced with all sorts of orphan helping features: A navigational antennae, night vision, offensive odor spray cannons...
Dib: What about the wings?
Mr. Elliot: Oh well, you can make them flap, but they're really just for show. A flying bee suit for volunteers would just be insane.
Dib looks confused as Mr. Elliot leads him into a giant room. In the heart of the room sits the Atomic Baby Changer, a loud, monstrous baby changing machine.
Mr. Elliot (CONT'D): This is the Atomic Baby Changer. The most important part of the orphanage.
As Mr. Elliot talks we see a crying baby in a diaper on a conveyor belt. The baby disappears into a chute. The machine whirs and chugs for a moment or two before the same child, now smiling and licking a lollipop, appears from the other side of the chute.
Mr. Elliot (V.O.) (CONT'D): Modern babies need modern diaper changing, and this machine does it all. Your job is to stay down here and keep an eye on the core temprature.
Dib (Pointing up): But Zim's up THERE.
Mr. Elliot: I know you want to hang out with your friend, but it's important that you stay down here...
Dib tunes Mr. Elliot out. Dib envisions Mr. Elliot's head turn into Zim's head, but still with Mr. Elliot's body. In Dib's mind, Zim taunts him.
Zim: Hey Dib, have fun with your pitiful little job while I go about ending life as you know it!
Dib: You won't get away with this ZIM!
Dib snaps out of his little daydream. Dib's little outburst startles Mr. Elliot.
Mr. Elliot: Dib, were you listening to me?
Dib: Um... yes.
Mr. Elliot: Good. Cause a Baby Changer meltdown would be disastrous. Have fun!!
Mr. Elliot leaves. Dib sits and watches the Atomic Baby Changer gauge for a beat or two. It's dreadfully boring.
Dib: Forget this.
Dib heads upstairs.
Dib sneaks around the mysteriously empty orphanage.
Dib: Where is everybody?
INT. ORPHANAGE GAME ROOM—CONTINUOUS
Zim lords over a group of zombie-like orphans.
Zim: Simon says, roll on the ground!
The orphans roll on the ground. Zim utters an evil laugh. Dib enters the room.
Dib: What's going on here ZIM?
Zim: Hello, Diaper Dib. You're just in time to witness my latest and most genius plan. Orphans, Simon says, bark like a moose.
The kids are confused. After a beat, they all make ASSORTED BARNYARD NOISES. Dib laughs.
Dib: You're planning on using "Simon Says" to take over the world?
Zim: Yes. Mm-hm. Clever, don't you think? Now, behold my victory! Orphans, take over the world for ZIM!
The orphans do nothing. Dib scoffs at Zim
Zim (CONT'D): Oh yes. Sorry... Simon says, take over the world for ZIM!
The children run out of the room like crazed zombies, knocking Dib over in the process, and scatter into the city.
Dib: WHOAH! Wait a minute!!
Dib goes running for the exit, chasing the orphans.
Dib goes outside just in time to see the last of the kids stumble out into the world. Zim soon follows, admiring his evil plan, as the children go about wrecking havoc in Zim's name.
Zim: Yess...yess...very good. (Zim chuckles to himself) And to think, this was Plan B.
Dib: What was plan A?
Zim: Oh, nothing. But rest assured it was brilliant. Not as brilliant as this, but brilliant nonetheless.
Zim rambles on as Dib watches in horror as the kids rock cars with people in them, paint graffiti onto buildings, disobey "keep off the grass" signs, and ride atop people's pets. Zim notices Dib panicing.
Zim (CONT'D): You'll never catch them all, Dib!
A nearby orphan lifts a power box, exposing large power cables. Dib sees this and runs towards the cables.
Dib: I'm not giving up yet ZIM!
Dib activates the feeble wings on his bee suit. Zim laughs at him.
Zim: You'll never get off the ground with those!
Dib: They just need a little boost!
Dib pulls one of the power cables from the ground and hooks it into his bee suit. The wings go into overdrive and Dib begins to hover. His suits sparks. Dib's smile is huge.
Dib (CONT'D): HAH!! WHO'S LAUGHING NOW!
Dib's smile turns to sheer terror as the bee suit rockets off faster than any boy in a bee suit should know.
Dib (CONT'D): GEEEAAAAAAGH!! OH NO!! OH NO!!
EXT. THE CITY—CONTINUOUS
Dib gains some control of his insane bee suit and flies up to a zombie orphan scaring players at a football game.
Dib: Simon says, never listen to Zim again.
The kid stops chasing players and wanders back to the orphanage. Dib flies off. The players watch him go.
Football Player: Thanks, crazy bee boy!
(Throughout this whole bit, Dib is flying like a lunatic, slamming into walls and looking barely in control. To each kid he says: "Simon says, never listen to Zim again.")
Dib flies up to a kid tipping over a garbage can and tells him to stop. The kid stops.
Dib flies up to a group of kids uprooting lawn gnomes. Dib tells them to stop and they do.
Dib flies to an orphan atop a jungle gym, King Kong style. The kid swats at circling jets. Dib tells him to stop. He stops.
Dib, exhausted after rounding up orphans all day, flies the last of the orphans back to the orphanage and drops him off.
Dib: There, that's the last one.
Zim looks irritated, but not as angry as one might expect.
Zim: Nice work, Dib. I guess you showed me.
Dib: You won't be using orphans to take over the world. Not on my watch.
Zim: Hey, what can I say?
Suddenly, the earth begins to RUMBLE with a great intensity.
Dib: Oh no... the diaper changer!
Zim: HAH! YES. You stepped right into my trap Dib. That was my plan all along, to get you to forget about the diaper machine!
Dib: But you've been here for weeks. You could've just overloaded the machine without me being here to try and stop you.
Zim: YES! INGENIOUS!!
Dib: No, ZIM, it's dumb..oh..GOTTA GO!
Dib races off to stop the diaper machine.
INT. ORPHANAGE BASEMENT—CONTINUOUS
Dib runs, trying to avoid the impending stink catastrophe.
Dib: It smells awful down here.
Dib reaches the machine and sees the core gauge reading well into the red. He franticly looks for a shutoff switch.
Dib (CONT'D): I can't remember what Mr. Elliot said to shut the machine down.
Atomic Baby Changer Computer: Twenty seconds 'til core meltdown.
Dib panics, randomly presses buttons and screaming. Mr. Elliot walks in.
Mr. Elliot: Hey Dib, I was just coming to check on you...
Atomic Baby Changer Computer: Five seconds 'til core meltdown.
Mr. Elliot (Shocked): Oh my goodness!!
Mr. Elliot runs to the machine and presses an overly large emergency button. The Atomic Baby Changer shuts down.
Atomic Baby Changer Computer: Meltdown averted. Have a nice day.
Dib sits among a pile of dirty diapers. Mr. Elliot scolds him. Zim looks on.
Mr. Elliot: Since it's going to take a while for the Baby Changer to recharge, you'll have to take care of these by hand.
Mr. Elliot leaves.
Dib: Okay... well NOW I've really, really thwarted your evil plan, Zim.
Zim: That's what you think. Little did you know that from the very beginning my real plan was for you to be forced to clean mountains of baby filth. ZIM WINS!!
Dib shakes his head. A monster of a child walks up to Dib.
Monster Child: UH OH! I GONNA DOODIE!
Dib looks at Zim, still congratulating himself.
Zim (Giggling): ZIM, you're genius. ZIM. (extended dialogue)
Dib: Hey kid, Simon says give Zim a hug.
The kid goes tottering after Zim.
Zim (O.S.): No, no! Get away from me! Oh, oh, ooh, you hideous child beast. Oh oh. Your meat stinks.